OPINION Ignatieff talks self off ledge

Lessons in Leadership
The office is small and crowded with academic texts and reseach papers. The blinds are closed, shutting out the daylight and only a small reading lamp provides illumination. Michael Ignatieff walks into the office only to see a figure crumpled over a thick book. The figure looks up, it is Stephane Dion.

A wry smile takes over Stephane's face.

"So, you thought being leader was easy, eh?" Stephane says with no small amount of venom.

"Stephane, I need your help," Iggy pleads.

"You think you need to tell me dat?" Stephane retorts coldly.

"Stephane, we're all Liberals here."

"Yes, but some Liberals think they are better than other Liberals, no?" Stephane shoots, still bitterly.

"And some leaders are better than others," Iggy confesses.

Realizing Iggy has made the kind of admission he would only make - in private - a handful of times in life, Stephane takes a kinder tone.

"What do you need, Michael?"

"Your help!" Iggy exclaims, "teach me to be a leader!"

"Michael, you're not doing much worse than I did. You just need a few pointers, that's all."

"Like what?"

"First, you need an idea," Stephane moves to a whiteboard on the wall, grabs the marker, "see, I had a carbon tax. Maybe it was massively unpopular and half-baked, but it was an idea. It gave me a reason for being leader."

Stephane marks down "IDEA = REASON TO LEAD" on the whiteboard. Iggy whips out a pad and jots notes down, "excellent, excellent, more, Stephane, more!"

"You had an idea just a few weeks ago. The EI-360 thing. Sure, it was silly and knee-jerk. But it provides you with a reason to be in charge. Why did you drop it?"

Iggy shakes his head. Stephane returns his focus to the whiteboard. He writes a capital "I" on the whiteboard and then draws a circle around the "I" and a strike through the circle.

"There is no "I" in "Team", Michael," Stephane loves to lecture and is now clealy loving this. "When you keep using the pronoun "I" you accomplish several things. One, you piss off the your caucus - nobody likes the implication that they are trained seals. Two, Canadians get the impression that your caucus is full of trained seals - since Iggy cannot trust anyone to make decisions but himself, then clearly, his team is a bunch of baffoons who shouldn't be in cabinet. Even the evil egoist, Stephen Harper, doesn't say "I". Three, you get mocked. Did you read Ivison this morning?"

"No."

"He made a very funny joke," Stephane giggles, "he said that you probably wished you were at Creation to offer helpful hints."

Iggy laughs, "that is pretty funny."

Stephane drops his smile, "and politically deadly. This is not a game for who gets to be department head, Michael."

Iggy stops laughing. "Isn't there anything I'm doing right?"

"In my opinion, yes," Stephane says, "I think its very good strategy to flip out everytime the Tories do something, pretend like the world is coming to an end and that human life hangs in the balance. Then, when it comes time to vote, ahhch! People don't pay attention to that part."