Vancouver Island gets its first big fall storm

Vancouver Island Ready To Break Off From Rest Of British Columbia
VICTORIA-- Just when you thought that federalism was gaining strength and momentum, restless Vancouver Island separatists are starting to rumble, making demands for greater autonomy and eventual independence from British Columbia, and the rest of Canada.

For those unfamiliar with the region, Vancouver Island is situated off the west coast of British Columbia. Vancouver Island's largest city is Victoria, which is also British Columbia's capital.

Vancouver Islanders have struggled to maintain their own distinct identity. Island culture and language is similar to that of the mainland, but about seven years behind in fashion and entertainment.

Vancouver Island's one million residents want to preserve their unique heritage, culture and status as being more British than Britain. This includes fake British accents, a pub-to-resident ratio of about three-to-one, legislated tea-times, and overly-polite "of course you do, dear" comments.

Mainlanders are nonplussed, or perhaps mildly plussed at the news. "Why would they want to separate?" asked Darjip Randeep, who lives in the city of Vancouver, which by the way, is not on Vancouver Island. "They're the same as other British Columbians aren't they? They speak the same language, they have the same ancestors. I'm pretty certain we even all get the same cable channels."

The Island's primary commerce is from sport kelp fishing, and the second-leading industry is agriculture, with wolverine farms accounting for almost 40% of the tractable land use. Vancouver Island also boasts as having the largest assortment of professional mini-golf courses in the world.

While Vancouver Island has no official military, they do possess a fleet of armored bathtub boats that could serve as a naval defense--if ever called upon. While they have never come under fire, Fijian mercernaries and Tahitian pirates routinely travel up the Pacific coast, dangerously close to Vancouver Island waters.

For some Vancouver Islanders, this is enough to demand recognition as a distinct society.

Critics are quick to disagree, but then critics are raised that way, and if they didn't disagree, they'd be called Yes Men. "Their only distinction is their taste in 80's music and fashion sense that's at least 5 years behind everyone on the on the mainland," sneered one sales rep at The Gap. "It's an ok place to live--if you're 80 years old and just waiting to die.

Victoria City government recently vetoed a planned 23 km bridge crossing. The official rational was to preserve the thousands of jobs servicing the aging ferry fleet that connects Vancouver Island to the Mainland, but most people feel it was to prevent corrupting Western influences from pervading their private Idaho, which by coincidence, is also part of the mainland, but a little further to the south.

For the separatists, breaking away from Canada is inevitable.

"We're on a major geological fault-line," said Archibald de Cosmo, spokesman for the Vancouver Island Democratic Front for Liberation (VIDFL). "If there's a big-enough earthquake--and we're overdue for one--we'll be seceding alright...seceding right into the Pacific Ocean."

De Cosmo is already thinking of aligning Vancouver Island policies and politics closer to Alaska, or maybe Japan, depending on where the long-awaited earthquake might eventually shift them.

While Vancouver Island has no official military, they do possess a fleet of armored bathtub boats that could serve as a naval defense--if ever called upon. While they have never come under fire, Fijian mercenaries and Tahitian pirates routinely travel up the Pacific coast, dangerously close to Vancouver Island waters.