Movies

Transporter 2 Review

Transporter 2 is a good movie... if you watch it as a comedy.

Let me begin by saying I love Jason Stratham. I've loved him since his role as Turkish in Snatch. He makes a pretty friggin' hardcore action hero. Transporter 1 can be summarized as "Hot bald guy with fast car kicks butt". Transporter 2 is pretty much exactly the same as Transporter 1 except that they seem to have shifted the target demographic from women to men.

The best scene in Transporter 1 was when the Transporter gets shirtless, COVERED in grease, and slides about kicking a bunch of other greased up dudes. It was overtly homosexual, and I was laughing the whole damn time, but it was a memorable scene that CLEARLY was for the ladies and not the fellas. Otherwise, the movie took place in Europe ( + for teh wimmins) and I vaguely recall it having a good love story (also + for teh wimmins).

Transporter 2 was moved to America. Miami beach or something, I can't be bothered to remember such tripe. Transporter's 'cargo' is a cute little boy, which he does very well with :) It seems as if the movie is shaping up to be another flick for teh wimmins, but no. Throughout the entire film, Stratham fails to be shirtless except for when one gorgeously muscular arm is exposed and greased up. (What is it with the grease!?) Oh, and he takes of his shirt for, like... ONE second, but he is hairy :(.

In competition for THE MOST RIDICULOUS scene of the movie:

When bitch-chick takes out a helicopter with a few rounds from a handgun. *KERSPLODE!!*

When Transporter FLIPS HIS CAR UPSIDE DOWN in order to have some DANGLING HOOK take off the explosive device from the underside. *KERSPLODE*

When Transporter Jetskiied his way onto a schoolbus full of seniors

When Transporter drives some zoom-car beneath a jet taking off and SOMEHOW gets into an INTERIOR CLOSET (???) while his zoom car runs into a sign and KERSPLODES

Based on the number of KERSPLOSIONS in just those scenes, you can tell that they were put in SPECIFICALLY to be (+ for teh fellas).

The secondary baddy was this chick: Kate Nauta I thought she was hot and pretty badass, but there MUST have been some weird clause in her contract that EVERY SINGLE FIGHT SCENE she was in had to be done in lingerie. (Clearly... + to teh fellas). I like her, though, she reminds me of my char Spike because of her freckles and her attitude, except she was too much of a stick... but WHY was she killed by swinging from a curtain to RANDOMLY placed wall art made of DEATH SPIKES??? LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

So. My BEEFS with Transporter 2:

I like explosions as much as anyone else, but can they PLEASE not be as COMPLETELY RANDOM as they are in this movie!?? I want BUILDUP and.. y'know... REASONS so that when something kersplodes I can yell "FUCK YEAH!" and not "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Stratham. He's hot. TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF! WOOOOOO!! If you could split the skin difference between Bitch-chick Lola and Transporter, that would have been ideal. Something for everyone!

Transporter 2 did not meet its quota of awesome car chases. The one they had was cool, but Transporter, imo, is about TWO things: Shirtless Straham and AWESOME car chases. FAILED ON BOTH COUNTS.

Whatever love subplot you were trying to construct failed miserably.

Props to Transporter 2:

Teh funneh! I thought it had some really awesome funny scenes :)

I thought Stratham and Nauta did awesome jobs acting. The rest I am meh about.

The fight sequences were well coreographed, well directed, and entertaining. But the lack of Shirtless Strahm and the repeated WTF factor earn this movie a 2 Fish out of Five for me.