[Newsbot]

Title: Glenn Beck Gets Key to Hometown City
Category: Uncle Sam
Posted By: ridenrain
Date: 2009-12-31 12:43:36
Canadian

[G-prime]

His brain may be small
his heart not there at all
But with the gift of one key
he said "who now, me?"
And to no ones suprizes
his inflated ego grew two sizes!

And every little idiot in idiotville had a very merry, as red as a cherry Christmas

[ridenrain]

So when does Obama's home town give him the key to the city?

[Thanos]

"Beck, 45, mostly stayed away from discussing politics. But he said he didn't remember politics being so divisive when he was growing up. The country could count on a bright future if people would stop tearing each other apart, he said."

Because saying or doing everything just shy of advocating the assassination of the current President is actually very common sense, All-American, and patriotic. This has to rank up there with when Berlin gave the key to the city to Goebbels. Although, unlike Beck, Goebbels never got the chance to crack some quality miscarriage jokes at any women who just experienced one during the early part of his career.

[Public_Domain]

[ridenrain]

Do they have keys in Kenya or would they just give him a goat?

[Public_Domain]

[ridenrain]

A friend of mine in Washington mentioned this and I thought it was funny so I thought I'd post it. I never knew the guy was "local" but then us west coast folks got little patience for them government folks.

[Thanos]

Glenn Beck's Top 102 of 2009!

1. My New Year's Resolution: To hunt down and kill Rush Limbaugh's killers. It's too bad OJ's in jail because my short game has improved.
2. RIP Rush Limbaugh. He's probably already wishing for Heaven to fail because he doesn't like God's tax policies.
3. Fact: Rush Limbaugh dead in Hawaii. Fact: Obama and family are also vacationing in Hawaii. Groundless speculation: Obama killed Limbaugh.
4. RIP Rush Limbaugh. It happened in Hawaii so we can be spared the liberal media coverage of children taking refuge in your corpse for warmth.
5. On tonight's show: Comedian Gallagher talks about declining morality in the US and shows Glenn something called "the brown round."
6. Amen! Don't tread on my tan, Obama!
7. Possible topic for Monday's show: Glenn interviews Drs. Phil and Dre to get their important opinions on public health care.
8. So the attempted terrorist is a black guy? Welcome back, pre-911 status quo!
9. A message to all who feel lonely and depressed on Christmas: Maybe if you were a better person you'd have more loved ones. Ho ho ho!
10. My local Korean grocer is the latest combatant in the War on Christmas. "Happy Horidays?" Damn you, Obama!
11. RIP Murphy Brown. Despite your sinful lifestyle you brought joy to many Americans and gave Dan Quayle something to occupy his intellect.
12. Attention family of Oral Roberts: I was JUST about to write the check that would have prevented Mr. Roberts from dying. Sorry.
13. On tomorrow's show: Glenn studies the mating habits of African Americans.
14. In honor of the anniversary of John Lennon's assassination, I'm beefing up my personal security force. My fans are fucking insane.
15. Peter Fonda once called me the fattest man he ever worked with. Which is weird because we've never worked together.
16. Boy do I know it. I'm barely literate.
17. I am more Glenn Beck than Glenn Beck. I've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
18. Tonight's “Black in the United States” special with guests Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, a black guy in the army, and Sean Hannity went well.
19. In honor of his birthday, tonight's show will be directed by Jean-Luc Godard. I'll leave it up to your imagination what this will entail.
20. According to science all men drink so much they forget the names of their kids when they were doing the morning drive show in Dallas, too.
21. On tomorrow's show: Glenn blows the lid off of the biggest cover-up in the history of science - that all men look at internet porn!
22. I'd love to write a column for your publication. Note: You will lose the majority of your sponsors when I say something racist.
23. Things I'm thankful for: God, The Bible, rainbows, fascist propaganda hidden in money, Sean Hannity.
24. Whoo boy, am I going to have some awkward conversations with my liberal relatives at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow! I'm just joking, they're not invited.
25. This Thanksgiving, just thank God we don't have a black Presid...oh, damn it.
26. Possible wrestling name: Rude Goldberg, who defeats his opponents in unnecessarily complicated and rude ways.
27. I'd like to use this space to apologize to the divine Paula Deen for hitting her in the face with a ham.
28. You know, Obama's bowing to the Japanese emperor wasn't as bad as the fact that he clearly had a massive erection when he did it.
29. Your anti-Kirk Cameron hate speech is shameful, sir! Kirk Cameron is a regional treasure and should be treated as such.
30. Water on the moon? What next, water on Mars?
31. Damn it, I forgot to appreciate American servicemen today. Oh well, there's always Veteran’s Day next year.
32. Scoff if you must but CNN has a well-known bias against moaners. And anyone who saw that tape knows that Dobbs is certainly a moaner. Possible topic for tomorrow's show: Was the Lou Dobbs sex tape a factor in his departure from CNN?
33. On tomorrow's show: All of the magically resurrected victims of the DC Sniper!
34. If trains are so awesome, why do they have to stay on tracks?
35. Trains are so loud and stupid. Oh so trains are ripping off my stuff now? Fuck you, trains!
36. ALL EYES ON VIRGINA - It beats looking at New Jersey.
37. I'm thinking about growing a beard.
38. Possible topic for Monday's show: OK kids, you've had your laughs. But some socialist nations are running out of toilet paper.
39. The Obama health care bill is a CREEPTASTIC assault on liberty!
40. The brave men and women who have died protecting our freedoms at home and abroad are having a GHOST OF A TIME!
41. People who desecrate the flag are EEEVIL GOBLINS that hate freedom!
42. Affirmative action and racial quotas are enough to CHILL YOUR BONES!
43. Obama's plans for a one world government are positively SPOOKTACULAR!
44. Question: Is there a way to dress up as Obama and it not be racist? Because if there is I definitely want to avoid it for Halloween tomorrow.
45. This new Twitter list feature is terrible. I just got a DM from Obama telling me to stop playing so much Minesweeper.
46. Filmmakers: When the modern-day All The President's Men is made about my takedown of the Obama admin, I want to be played by Sean Hannity.
47. Hey wouldn't it be hilarious if I pretended not to realize Michael Jackson died? Even funnier: Pretending not to know who he was.
48. On Monday's show: Tom Cruise proves his heterosexuality by having intercourse with 7 extremely unattractive female teabaggers in a row!
49. A note to those in our government: If you spend time in bed with the mob, you may get whacked off.
50. Boy, there are a lot more black people here than I would have imagined.
51. Possible topic for tonight's show: Inoffensive Alternatives to the Word "Latino."
52. Any malicious rumors that I listen to Boy George constantly are malicious attempts by The White House to stifle health care debate.
53. Attention OnStar users: The Obama Administration can now collect information on your music listening habits in order to blackmail you.
54. Note to self: When Garth Brooks is in the studio to promote his comeback tour, wear a tie so people can tell us apart.
55. I know from experience: Just because people are laughing at you doesn't mean you're trying to be funny.
56. An open tweet to Soledad O'Brien: I will do a month of shows on Latinos in America if you let me smell your neck.
57. To Obama: you are like Hitler and I'm like the Jews during The Holocaust.
58. Yesterday the guy at the gas station short-changed me by 7 dollars. He was like Hitler and I was like the 6 million murdered Jews.
59. I took a shower this morning, and the water came out cold at first. I felt like the Jews in the gas chambers during The Holocaust.
60. Today I asked for OJ with pulp for breakfast, it came without pulp. It was like the Holocaust.
61. I remember when my dad taught me that word. Up to that point I had thought it was a Star Trek reference.
62. Freedom's blood out of America's trunk so America's wife doesn't ask any more questions.
63. But he'll know that things have gone back to the way they once were - when Freedom was alive and well and throwing in free hand jobs.
64. Guilty? Of course he is. But America has never been perfect. And when America throws that bundle of hooker-parts into a river, he'll cry.
65. Freedom doesn't have any family. Hell, no one even knew Freedom was in America's hotel room.
66. Why? So we can hire a new hooker. One that represents a freedom that's not as fragile as the hooker that came before it.
67. So America has only one choice. He has to cut the hooker into pieces, wrap the pieces in the shower curtain, and throw away the bundle.
68. What can we do? Can we revive freedom and hope she remembers as much as America does? Probably not. Freedom isn't looking so hot.
69. America is like a guy who wakes up smelling like whiskey and finds a dead hooker in its shower. That hooker? It's freedom.
70. This Balloon Boy story is going to be Wolf Blitzer's legacy.
71. So Balloon Boy was in the attic the whole time. He must watch my show - that's where I told people to hide from Obama's health care Nazis.
72. Balloon Boy: This is why white people shouldn't have access to helium.
73. RIP Garth Brooks. Your success was an inspiration to doughy, untalented white men everywhere.
74. The 3/5 Compromise was the Founding Fathers' gift to slaves. You're welcome, black people!
75. Possible topic for tonight's show: Was "Captain" Lou Albano murdered by Tennille?
76. Attention former Miley Cyrus followers: I too am in the habit of using charming southern colloquialisms, y'all!
77. Attention former Miley Cyrus followers: I too have posed for inappropriate pictures with my father.
78. What was the Nobel Peace Prize committee thinking? Dick Cheney is still technically a human being and thus, was eligible for the prize.
79. There's nothing nobel about Obama.
80. Glenn’s bestselling “12 Progressives Who Are Trying To Kill Me” now 75% off on Amazon!
81. On tomorrow's show: David Bowie and Iggy Pop perform "God Bless America" live in the studio!
82. Possible topic for tonight's show: Glenn Wonders Why He Hasn't Been Embroiled In A Sex Scandal Yet. Is There Something Wrong With Him?
83. When will the weasels in Washington realize that Americans are a beautiful, free people?
84. I really hope that's not what I think it is in Nugent's dressing room
85. Possible topic for tonight's show: Is Zombie Billy Mays' Cameo in the Hollywood film Zombieland Going Too Far?
86. Damn it. Oh well, it was a stupid idea anyway. My audience doesn't get irony.
87. Thinking about starting a fake Twitter account to satirize crazy liberals. Is @SeanHannity taken?
88. Alright, I admit it: I murdered my mother. Are you happy now, Media Matters?
89. I finally looked up the word "fascism" in the dictionary. Wow, was I way off!
90. RIP Amber Alert. I wasn't familiar with Ms. Alert's work but evidently she touched a lot of lives. She will be missed.I
91. know the difference between a football bat and a hockey court: Football bats are curved.
92. Tonight on the show: I respond to the shocking rumors that I raped and killed a young girl in 1990. Then, Woody Harrelson!
93. Remember parents: If you don't give your kids the swine flu vaccination, the absolute worst case scenario is that they get to be with Jesus
94. Damn it - I was going to name MY book Going Rogue: An American Life.
95. I just saw Road House. It just doubles my resolve to defeat socialized healthcare.
96. Farting today. U?
97. Someone said fuck on SNL? You can't say fuck on SNL! People don't want to hear fuck on SNL! How hard is it to not say fuck on SNL?
98. Why is it OK for school kids to sing about Obama but not Jesus? I bet it's because Jesus is white.
99. Turns out last night's guest Senator Jack Pott (R) isn't really a Senator. And I'm pretty sure that's not his real name.
100. On the show tonight: Senator Jack Pott (R)!
101. When will the weasels in Washington realize that Americans love yelling Jackpot!?
102. Possible topic for tonight's show: Jackpot!

[ridenrain]

And with all talk reguarding FOX personalities...

0:

cable-news-ratings-ten-years-e1262191180799-480x353.jpg [ 43.28 KiB | Viewed 285 times ]

Laughing all the way to the bank.

[Bacardi4206]

Seems like a right fit, considering everybody is giving prizes to complete dicks and undeserving people. It kind of feels like ancient Rome when the only people that were ever celebrated were those of popular opinion and fortunetly for Beck. Hes a moron and attracts a large moronic crowd.